EvilPhoEniX

Takashi Miike is a bum. I’d rather rewatch his Over your Dead Body than this mess. Yakuza Apocalypse has the problem of not knowing what it wants to be, a vampire horror film, a comedy or an action movie with fantasy elements, and unfortunately none of them works. If you're used to Japan, you won't be surprised by the talking severed head, the fighting stuffed animal, and a lot of other weirdness that I wholeheartedly hate. Contrary to what foreign reviews report, the film is not brutal (a little blood won't upset anyone these days). Yayan Ruhian is totally underused, the pacing is erratic, and I'm afraid to even write the word ‘story’ here. I liked only one scene and that was the breaking of a neck four times with the immediate ripping out of the head, something I have not seen anywhere else so far. Only for madmen, for me barely acceptable. 45%

So unfortunately, the first hour of the film drags unbelievably and you have to work hard to keep from dying. Halfway through the second half, the director is already throwing heaps of shootouts, which I give points for the R-rating and decent technicality, but the film lacks tension and drive, which is a great shame. Story-wise, the film left me completely cold. 50%

One of the weaker cinema visits this year. The Squad is a very bland action film that could have been a success 25 years ago, but has nothing to impress today. Jean Reno phones it in, the only good one is Alban Lenoir, who occasionally adds some wit to the film. The story is very simple with predictable twists and turns, but at least there is some decent action with a few rough fights and decent shootouts, which suffer from logical quirks (a thousand bullets fired and no one is hurt). I expected more from France and zombie expert Benjamin Rocher, at least some brutality would have been enough to be satisfied, something that is not a problem for the director considering his previous works. Back to horror next time, please. 60%

A future cult classic that kids will be watching 20 years from now instead of Sleepaway Camp and Friday the 13th. In every way, the film pays homage to the old camp slashers in a very fun and stylish way. The only major minus I note is the PG-13 rating, which deprives us of both gore and pretty women's breasts (and there were some), but on the other hand, the older slashers don’t have much of a bloodbath either, so I can overlook that here just fine. The Final Girls picks up points elsewhere. It has very enjoyable humour, taken care of by the weird Thomas Middleditch, a likeable horror cast, very stylish form with interesting camera angles and impacts and nice slow motion. The film plays nicely with horror clichés, even the colourful visuals look good. It also plays on the emotions in the mother-daughter relationship, the main villain reminded me of Jason in every way (the immortality, the machete, the walk), the scene in the cinema makes you remember the Final Destination, and there’s a very unexpected final twist. A pleasant caress on the heart, I had a good time. One of the most original slasher films ever. The highlight was the final fight between the final girl and the main bad guy, it was pretty awesome. Story 7/10, Atmosphere 5/10, Gore 1/10, Visuals 9/10, Action 5/10, Entertainment 7/10. 75%

Now that's something that even Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren together would be ashamed of. I was expecting the film to have terrible actors, badly written dialogue and script, but I didn't expect it to be such a bore with such bad action and cheap looks, even in my scariest nightmare. Wych Kaosayananda could shake hands with Olivier Megaton, both do similarly bad editing. Scott Adkins doesn’t show anything here, the shootouts are like in the 90s, with characters falling to the ground before a bullet reaches them and the popular slow motion!!! Is this director really that bold to come out with this in 2015? Anyway, I'm going to go watch something from Korea, this shit makes me want to puke. Story 1/10, Atmosphere 1/10, Gore 3/10, Visuals 3/10, Action 3/10, Entertainment 2/10. 20%

Eli Roth's sexually charged appetizer before The Green Inferno was pretty good. Knock Knock doesn't lean too much on horror, rather it attacks the psychological components, which in my opinion could have been escalated much more aggressively, but it’s still decent entertainment with an erotic. The beautiful Ana de Armas induces an erection every time she's in the frame, and I don't think I've seen a more arousing threesome in a horror film. Story 6/10, Atmosphere 6/10, Gore 1/10, Visuals 8/10, Action 5/10, Entertainment 7/10.70%

Steven R. Monroe should have made I Spit on Your Grave 3 rather than this mediocre exorcism flick. I can praise the solid opening (the sex and bath scene) and the very decent visual and make-up effects, but this subgenre just doesn't have much to offer anymore. It lacks scares, the atmosphere isn't great, there could have been gore, but considering how many exorcist crap is coming out, this one is among the better ones. 55%

M. Night Shyamalan in good form. The Visit has the makings of the best horror film of the year. The film clearly pokes fun at Paranormal Activity in particular, but also most bland ghost films, and it manages to perfectly terrify with a mere pair of old without the use of any CGI, visual or make-up effects (It Follows just shakes its head in incomprehension). The film moves quite quickly, with scares, frightening, disturbing and chilling scenes being thrown at us from a quarter of the way through – thumbs up to Shyamalan, I was afraid I wouldn't see anything until the last few minutes. It's shot in a realistic way, the found footage form doesn't get on my nerves, there's no noisy, low-quality and epilepsy-inducing shots, the sequences with the grandmother are very scary (the hide and seek sequence and the final scene with the duvet are great), and the final, for me completely unexpected and shocking twist is one of the best of this year. Shyamalan, this was a good value ride!!! Story 8/10, Atmosphere 10/10, Scares 8/10 Gore 1/10, Visuals 7/10, Action 6/10, Entertainment 9/10. 90%.

This film is branded as a comedy demon splatter, but the director's humour is zero, the gore is there, but the tempera colour is too evident for me, and, unfortunately, by the end it is quite annoying and you wish it was over. It is only worth seeing if you listen to metal and like blondes, and because of the pretty good make-up effects, otherwise I found it very weak, naive and at times even embarrassing. Story 4/10, Atmosphere 4/10, Gore 5/10, Visuals 5/10, Action 4/10, Entertainment 5/10. 45%

Ridley Scott is back in the game, kicking ass not only with this uncompromisingly intelligent sci-fi survival ride, but also with science, math, physics and chemistry. Matt Damon delivers an Oscar-worthy performance, his ingenuity and skill is eerily precise to the point of slick, and he undergoes an incredible physical and psychological transformation (admittedly I was expecting a deeper psychological breakdown, with hallucinations and psychosis, after all, prolonged solitude messes with a person). I'm also not sure if all the heroic acts in the ending could have been done realistically, but fuck that, it's clever, funny, moving, suspenseful, and by the end the goosebumps are inevitable. What an experience! 9/10